Do you force them to leave the nest?

[judyjay]

We've raised our grandson since he was 18mos. & had kids in the house for 40 yrs now. He graduated from a tech college Aug. 17 with an associates degree. I've always said I would never throw him out but he's in no hurry to get a job. I've sent out his resume. I've driven him to interviews(which he doesn't do well). I've looked in the want ads. Now I've told him that he's got to start doing it. It's not my job to find a job for him. Well, he doesn't argue with that but he's still not in any hurry to find a job. We're lucky if he fills out 1 application a day. Should we give him a deadline or something else? He will be 21 next week. Any ideas are apprecitated. and yes, I know, he spoiled.

[judyjay]

We've told him that he will have to pay us $50 a week but since he doesn't have a job yet, he is not paying anything. We've also told him that we've given him the last money we will give him, no money for gas, movies, or anything. But he still doesn't seem to be in any hurry to find a job.

[bitaglitz]

Judy,

We had this problem with my youngest son. He never left home until two years ago, at the age of 25. We have always told all our kids that as long as they were in school they could stay rent-free. Upon graduating they either had to pay rent or move. My first two kids moved out right after high school and never came back (except my oldest son did move in with us, last year after his wife left him. But, in a year's time, he had a good job and found he and his son a small apartment.

My younger son still does not 'get' it; the independent thing...although it is beginning to slowly look promising.

With my younger son, we finally gave him a deadline to move. If he was not out by then, we were going to put his clothes on the front lawn. THAT was the hardest thing to know we had to folow through with, if he did not move. Luckily, he got mad at us a 'blew the joint". It has been hard for him, but he has not asked to come back home. He is now almost 28.

Judy

[javamom]

Judy, you need to rent the movie FAILURE TO LAUNCH, I think you'll find it informative and funny!

[thecountryrose]

I loved that movie!

Judy, maybe once the money has run out for a short time and there really isn't any money to buy gas for the car or go to the movies, he will get out there and get a job. Not too many young people want to stay home all the time. Sooo, maybe that will do the trick.

[Lmbeene]

Hey, Judy, I'm coming to YOUR house and I'll do some housework AND pay the $50. Tee hee.

All kidding aside, it's a hard one.

I have one comment to make on it and it's from my own personal experience. My brother didn't want to go so I asked to come back home too since he was living the big life there (really just a joke on my part though). My parents pushed him a little harder to get out after thinking about that. I think it's a confidence thing. I think my brother wasn't sure he could make ends meet. But he did and does very well now. Your gs can too. Your GS could have a job this afternoon if he really needed one. THEN he could find something appropriate for his degree and all.

Oooh, this is tough. Your cooking is really good too so I'm sure that makes leaving even more difficult for him.

Keep us posted.

Laura

[laurat99]

Judy, it sounds like your GS is in no hurry to leave or get a job, and for everyone's sake, you need to "nudge" him out of the nest. It's not unfair of you and DH to want some time to yourselves after 40 years of raising kids. My brother was the same way, my dad finally had to kick him out. Staying and paying rent/helping isn't going to help much; he doesn't have to be an "adult." Buying your own food, paying your own bills, doing your own laundry, and having to get your bum out of bed even when you don't want to is all part of being an adult. Be firm, but don't do everything for him (except give him the newspaper with the want ads and apartments for rent). Living without the comforts of home might be a good motivator for him. Good luck with this situation, it sounds like a doozy.

[judyjay]

I took him to the Army recuiter a couple of days ago. It was intended as a sort of motivator to actually look for a job. Well, they made it look really good. If he were to join before Sept 28, he could get a $20,000 sign on bonus. Then, depending on what field he goes into, he could get up to another $20,000. Plus they will pay for any college he wants through a master's degree. Since he has an associate's degree, he could start out as an E3, which pays $1500 a month, plus they give him a place to live, food to eat, etc. Since his degree is in digital media, he could go into almost any type of computer field in the army, which would be non-combat jobs. Well, he says he's thinking about it but I really don't think he's thinking too hard. In the meantime, he's still not doing much job hunting. I don't know, maybe things are different now days. When I was his age, I would go to 10-12 places to apply in the same day. The next day I'd go to another 10-12 places. It wouldn't take me real long to find a job. I feel lucky if I can get him to fill out 1 application a day!! Since he had such a hard start in life, I've always tried to make things a bit easier for him. I suppose that was a big mistake on my part. Well, if he doesn't do something soon, dh & I are going to give him a deadline.

[mommaidwf]

Judy, only $20,000? My hubby is joining the Army and he was promised a $50,000 bonus, plus an extra 20 if he agreed to ship out within 30 days (which he didn't do btw). Maybe you should get him to go in and take an ASVAB test and then the recruiter would be able to give him more detailed information about the jobs he would qualify for.

[jujuann]

Judy, there are also other branches of the service that could keep him off the front lines. The Navy has some that go in country, but a lot of them remain on ships at sea or the port. I think the ASVAB test is a good idea. If he does really well, all the branches of the service will be after him. That includes, Navy, Marines, Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, and National Guard. I used to administer those tests.

I gave my son an eviction notice in 2001 and he was out within a month, but he is never out of a job more than 2 or 3 days. He is back now trying to recover from a divorce, paying all the bills and a custody battle. He's been back a year, but he works full time, brings me the money to pay all his bills and his attorney. When he gets her paid off, then he will be able to move out again. He's planning to buy a small house. So, I will probably have him another year, but since he's out of the house mostly all week driving a truck, we can handle it. He does most of the mowing of our 2 acres, and helps do any lifting and shoving of stuff around.

I wish you luck. At first, I thought we would not get my DS out, but eventually we did.