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Thread: exercise

  1. #1
    Senior Scrapper Penster (pjwlee)'s Avatar
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    For those of us who dislike exercise I am sure you can relate.
    Enjoy....I laughed so hard Ii almost wet my pants.
    WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
    If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you.
    This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout
    routine.

    Dear Diary,

    For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

    Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

    I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics
    instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

    My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress

    MONDAY:

    Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair,dancing eyes and
    a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

    Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching
    from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

    TUESDAY:

    I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
    Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

    WEDNESDAY:

    The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

    Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the h***
    would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other s*** too.

    THURSDAY :

    Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.
    Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny b**** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

    FRIDAY :

    I hate that b**** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

    Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the D*** barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

    Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

    SATURDAY :

    Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

    SUNDAY :
    I'm having the Church van pick me up for ervices today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little s***) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have
    sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
    Penny(pjwlee)
    penster
    "Always shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars!!!"
    "Be the change you wish to see in the world. " Ghandi

  2. #2
    Senior Scrapper tallulah1's Avatar
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    OMG - this is just too funny -
    I needed this !
    Thanks,
    Janelle
    HAPPY SCRAPPIN'
    Janelle
    http://scrappinscrawcrow.blogspot.com/
    2010: 206 pages - 124 nns; 45 cards - 41 nns
    nns: No new scraps!
    4 best purchases: my lightbox, my Crop-a-dile, ATG, and my Sit-On-Top kayak!

  3. #3
    Senior Scrapper jujuann's Avatar
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    My sentiments exactly....and I had better not get a membership for Christmas!!
    Judith

  4. #4
    Senior Scrapper ScrappySam's Avatar
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    You made my day - ROFLMAF (burning a few calories that way - LOL) The only triceps I know about came from the Jurassic Period.

    2 2 2 funny!

  5. #5
    Senior Scrapper Baseballmom's Avatar
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    You have no idea how perfect this is for me! My best friend just received a "personal trainer" for her birthday on Saturday, BUT it was from her husband. You can bet I'll be e-mailing this to her!


  6. #6
    Senior Scrapper Penster (pjwlee)'s Avatar
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    btt, enjoy still laughing
    Penny(pjwlee)
    penster
    "Always shoot for the moon, even if you miss you'll land among the stars!!!"
    "Be the change you wish to see in the world. " Ghandi

  7. #7
    Senior Scrapper judyjay's Avatar
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    Penny, this is so funny! I think I'll send it to my adorable daughter so that she will know what NOT to get me for Christmas!
    Judy


    Check out my scrappy blog at http://scrap-a-doodlestamping.blogspot.com/

    I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Phil. 4:13

  8. #8
    Senior Scrapper Schloglett's Avatar
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    Very cute and something it seems everyone can relate to. Lisa
    The greatest test of courage on earth is to bear defeat without losing heart.


 

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