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  1. #11
    Senior Scrapper kray's Avatar
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    My frustration is over....for this round.....lol.

    Sara pouted all day today and stayed in her room, so that gave me a sign that Tony did not back down last night or today when she tried to wiggle her way out of her chewing out last night. If she was successful, she would have been dancing everywhere.

    I most definitely believe Sara needs boundaries and rules. It is funny that both sides of the family has said she always was fiesty (Tony's side and her mom's side). She never minded anyone.....her parents always thought her actions and smiles were "cute".....well....they created a monster.

    I forgot to address the "recording" thing on the prior post....I have already thought of that...on Sara and her brother.....but, that would backfire, because I can see them try that with me and it be taken out of context. Also, it should be no surprise to her parents anyway as she back talks them.

    The good thing is I didn't put a time limit on the grounding of "MY" computer. So, attitude stays the same, the grounding still stands. At one time, she was not allowed on the computer unless we had her Myspace password...that was before where she didn't have more to hide......that will be a condition to the computer if/when she gets the priviledge. She can give it to her Dad. I will show Tony how to look at it....

    As for the phone.....I 100% agree it should be taken away. I have told Tony before that he should check her texts...take her phone when she is least expecting it. Before she gets a chance to delete. He needs to get caught up w/ the technology, or at least be aware what kids are doing.

    Being 14, I expect attitude anyway......but, she goes beyond far. There will be a day soon she will "need" me.

    Oh, another thing I know Tony is backing me on the computer thing was that when I was getting ready for church, I heard him tell Sara to get me. He was in the office w/ his buddy and they needed to get on the computer. But, I was already walking down the hall. I knew what he wanted as he was in the computer room. I just walked over and unlocked the computer. He needed my help looking up things anyway.

    Personally, I think he knew he flubbed up when he made me give him the password Friday and I told him that he needs to face reality, grow a backbone and deal w/ his daughter, otherwise he will be dealing w/ the repercussions later. She will likely get in trouble anyway....but if he can stop some of it....he needs to. Also, he needs to make his ex get a back bone and stick with it too. She is worse than him.

    Thanks for letting me vent this weekend. Weekend started bad and ended great!
    Karen.... Gramma to Miss Lillyanna Emilee and Zachariah Lee ♥♥♥

    http://kray-becomingabigtimescrapper.blogspot.com

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  2. #12
    Senior Scrapper tlc3plus's Avatar
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    I've been so praying for you and your situation. I have not dealt with this type personally but I've dealt with teenagers! lol My sister had mine, yours, and ours. But they each tried to consider yours mine and mine yours.... but when the kids wanted something and they wouldn't give in a couple moved into the other parents house. Eventually they realized that they were always there for them and that they were only doing what was best for them.

    I only have a couple of things to comment on and it really doesn't matter what I think! lol lol

    But if she is as bad as you say I would make Tony and her understand that if her actions cause her problems that she will have to pay for it her self... because eventually it will become a monetary problem... with lawyers, or jail... If you have it established now both will know and you can stick by it. I say this because we had to call the police on ds and had him arrested... he had to pay for everything. But he's wonderful now.... it will work out. Remember that! lol

    Also I know you want Tony to stand up to her...but I would like to say that people all have different make up's and it's good other wise the world be a terrible place with us all being the same. I have learned from experience that we can't make the men do and handle things the way we want... I can see that your relationship is a lot like ours...I was the one that saw everything black or white and my dh is a gray type of person... So you and Tony need to sit down and discuss if this happens... than this is the punishment for Sarah... if he doesn't want to tell her, you will, but he needs to enforce it. Write it down and have both of you sign it. It will make it real like a contract. Which sounds like what happened this weekend. I think both of you knowing what the rules and boundaries are will help you handle it cool and calm. I know you don't want to be the bad one but if you feel so strongly about things (I know I did! lol) than I had to enforce them and he backed me up. As he sees that this is working he will stand up for the rules. But it will have to be his way because of his personality.

    Remember why you fell in love and married Tony... the years are going by too fast and this too will pass with Sarah. Make your time spent with Tony special so he can see YOU not how you are because of Sarah.

    Just my two cents worth ... you can leave it. lol

    Clarinda

  3. #13
    Senior Scrapper kray's Avatar
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    Clarinda, I treasure everyone's advice.....I am actually chuckling at myself....I am good at giving advice and it making sense, but when it is actually happening to me.....it is hard to take my own advice....which my own advice has been similar to y'all's advice.......I recognize that I need to hear it from third parties to confirm I am not crazy (lol) and not the only one that has been in these situations. Or there is something else I didn't think of or can try.

    As for the black/white thing.....that is Tony. I am more the gray type of person. I am the problem solver and let's work things out. If one possible solution doesn't work, then let's try another. Tony doesn't like confrontation and right now he is a bit defensive. There has been a few other issues we have been dealing with.

    I am learning with him when there is an issue we are dealing with.....I need to say my say right then and there and try not to argue with him. The more I argue, the more defensive he gets. Ya think I would know that after six years of knowing him.

    So, I am trying to get my say in and walk away and try not to argue. When he shuts down, it irritates me and I would want to continue to argue.....so, I am trying this new tactic...get my point across and stop talking.

    And I know that he is not perfect and I have made mistakes as well. Also, we both have different styles of parenting. We can be different....we both can be right or wrong, but we are different.

    Right now, he is just not dealing with anything.

    And Clarinda....you are right...if he doesn't get his daughter under control, if he thinks he is having problems now...it will just get worse. I told him the other day, he had issues w/ his two sons and would have thought he would have learned something by now. Sara has a mixture of both of her brothers personalities and that can be double trouble. I am trying to just back away regarding Sara. If it doesn't pertain to me and my home, then he and his ex needs to deal with her.

    I was talking to a girlfriend over a month ago...I was griping and complaining...I stopped and told myself to think of the positive things about Tony. Just don't concentrate on the negatives.

    Do you know what is really sad, I had a 3 year old ask me today why I don't like her mommy. Sara told her I didn't like her mommy. I wanted to wring a 14 year old's neck at that moment. I smoothed things over and told her that she has a very nice mommy and I like her. This was the textgal. Sara is friends w/ her older daughter.

    And this is one of the reasons why I tell Tony he needs to keep his mouth shut when it comes to our arguments.....perfect example.
    Karen.... Gramma to Miss Lillyanna Emilee and Zachariah Lee ♥♥♥

    http://kray-becomingabigtimescrapper.blogspot.com

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  4. #14
    Scrapper JKondrick's Avatar
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    okay. sooo. I feel the need to chime in here. im 21 years old, and can personally tell you that i put my mother through HELL in my teen years. So, Have you thought about setting up a reward system? Try talking to her one on one and explaining to her what upsets you and how her behavior affects you and the way it makes her looks to others by bad mouthing the ones who love and care for her?

    If i understand correctly she isn't with you an the hubby 24/7, like its split with the time you have with her. so this would cause her to have the freedom at her mothers house to do what ever she wants when shes there. an it the split time between the parents isn't mandatory, i'm going to assume she'd rather stay there where she isn't going to have to follow the rules of 'dads house'.

    i'm not sure this made any sense. its almost 3:30 AM and im tired. i'll check back in the morning when i wake up to see if this made any sense to you. lol

    keep your chin up. it'll get better in time.

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  5. #15
    Senior Scrapper kray's Avatar
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    Thanks Jessie......Yes, teenage years are very difficult. That is why I call teenagers "aliens". Sara is a typical 14 year old, but with no discipline, boundaries, etc.

    So, she keeps getting bolder and bolder in what she does.

    We have her on the weekends and holidays...that is the court paper way, but Tony and his ex are lenient on that as they have been good about it with the kids.

    Problem these two have is there is no discipline. The ex is worse. They need to be consistent with the discipline, but they are not and Sara brags about getting away with things. They also allow her to yell back at them.....which they should have stopped.

    Stepdad is having the same issues, but it's worse for him as he is with the kids more than I am. 20 yr old stepson lives with them full time....that kid is arrogant and superior acting........Their mom never stands up for her husband.....always for her kids. They could be yelling at their mom and Stepdad will step in and tell them that this is their mother and they should respect her and stop yelling at her....she turns on Stepdad and backs her kids.....she will use the phrase "you don't like my kids". So, he really can't win. But, he backs down too much.

    Sara will come back to me.....she always does. We had great conversations and times together. In fact, there are times I know what is going on with her more than her than her own parents does. As for the reward system.....been there done that with her. Doesn't work, she just expects more.

    I am optimistic it will get better. I am trying new techniques/ways in handling Tony and my stepkids. At least I don't have to deal w/ the two boys. They are adults. Sara is only 14 and has a way to go and I have told Tony he is going to need "my support and strength" soon as Sara will have him on a roller coaster ride for the next few years.
    Karen.... Gramma to Miss Lillyanna Emilee and Zachariah Lee ♥♥♥

    http://kray-becomingabigtimescrapper.blogspot.com

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