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  1. #1
    Senior Scrapper gailteach's Avatar
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    How do you parent your parent?

    My father is 83 and has dementia. He is currently living with us. He treats my son horribly and DS can't just ignore him. (Autistic) He is getting to be toooo much for us to handle and yet it kills me to put him in a home. The worst part is he is angry at everyone. I have been called a warden, gustapo, jailer, bitch and many other things. I am so sad that he is declining so fast. His wife won't or doesn't want to take care of him and recently she had two surgeries that make it impossible for her to take care of him. I guess I just need to vent.

    gail
    Hugs to all of you!
    Gail

    So little time, sooo many projects!

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  2. #2
    Senior Scrapper LuLu's Avatar
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    So sorry. I don't have advice but I'm sure I'll be in this situation some day. Does his doctor recommend anything? This doesn't seem like a good environment for anyone involved.
    "My mother said, 'You won't amount to anything because you procrastinate.' I said, 'Just wait.'" Judy Tenuta

    I'm thankful for piles of laundry. It means my loved ones are nearby.

  3. #3
    Senior Scrapper gailteach's Avatar
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    Thanks Lulu. It isn't. The hardest part is he is so angry. Because he is angry at his situation he takes it out on everyone.

    gail
    Hugs to all of you!
    Gail

    So little time, sooo many projects!

    Stop by and see me at my blog:
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  4. #4
    Senior Scrapper laurat99's Avatar
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    I wish I had some practical advice for you, but I don't. I'll pray for you and your situation, my friend, that you will make the decision that will honor your dad while taking care of your family. Are there any other siblings to talk with to share the burden of care? The decision to place someone in a nursing home is always difficult, but if you are unable to care for him or he is a danger to himself or others, that might be the best for all involved. Take care and you are always welcome to vent to us. This is a safe place for you.
    Laura

  5. #5
    Senior Scrapper QuesMom's Avatar
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    I understand this all too well Gail and I am so very sorry you have to go through this...

    First...you have to remember this is not your Dad talking, it is the stranger that has taken him...He would never talk to you or your family this way...It is impossible to make you Son understand this is not Grandpa, and you have to think of your family and their well being first! That includes you too!

    Second, you have to seperate yourself from him, you are not his child, you are a health care provider taking care of an unkind person, you can not take it personal...Inside, he does not know who is any longer either...

    Third, you need to get in-home health care through his SS to come in and help you and you need to have your time away from his care...

    With your special needs child, it is even more critical to have help and to be prepared to let go if it becomes too much to handle...

    It took the doctor 3 months of talking to me to make me understand, I am doing them no favor killing myself trying to care for them, they do not know...It gives them no security to be home with you, because they do no remember who or where they are...And then he told me, that strangers can calm them more than we can because they feel our stress and worry...

    When we put my Grandfather into a care home, I went to work there so I could spend more time helping him...He thought I was a nurse they paid and treated me as such...But my days off, when I would come to visit, sometimes he would remember it was me and we had good moments...When the cancer spread to my Dad's brain, he no longer knew who he was or who I was, but I hung in there because I knew he was dying and time was too short...I suffered from that for 2 years after because most of the good memories had been taken over by the anger and trials of trying to cope with it alone...

    So when you know the time has come...you need to let go...that way you can go visit and enjoy the moments that remain...

    And here Dear Friend...you are not venting...you are leaning on the shoulders of wise women and close friends who care about you and your troubles, big ones or small ones...we are here...
    Karen

    The little voices in my head keep saying..."Get more Chickens!"


    ...The difference between *life* and *living*...When you have someone close, someone special, a *Best Friend*, it's *Living*...When you lose her...it's just *Life*...
    ....Perhaps they are not stars in the sky....But rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy....
    ...FAITH is the bridge between where I AM...and where GOD is taking me...



  6. #6
    Senior Scrapper gailteach's Avatar
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    Dearest Karen,
    Your words were just what I needed. When my mom got Alzheimer's she slipped away from us gently. She was always kind and loving. When it happened to my baby sister it was the same thing. My brother is gentle and loving and grateful for everything you do for him, but Dad is just so bitter and angry. Part of my problem is that I am not sleeping. My husband is struggling with his health issues and trying to help. He just doesn't understand that dad doesn't know what he is doing. I was just thinking the other day that I needed to let dad go because I am starting to resent him for the damage he is causing to my family.
    He and step-mom left California in 1990 to live their lives in NC without a thought to how it affected the rest of us and the grandchildren. Now I am agonizing over taking care of him and forgetting the pain that I suffered because of him. Hmmmm??? I guess I have my answer. Now to make it happen. They don't have the money for a nursing home and Medi-Cal declined him the first time she applied. If we coulkd just get a little break it would help. We went to my brother's up near Paso Robles for Christmas and they took over much of the care for dad while we were there. But there is no one around here to help except my DH, DS, and myself. Step had two surgeries in Dec. and is living with her daughter so she has someone to take care of her. What a mess.
    Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I needed to hear it from someone else.

    hugs,
    gail
    Hugs to all of you!
    Gail

    So little time, sooo many projects!

    Stop by and see me at my blog:
    www.gailgsgoodies.blogspot.com

  7. #7
    Senior Scrapper mommaidwf's Avatar
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    Gail, I have no words of wisdom for you, but I will keep your family in my prayers.

  8. #8
    Senior Scrapper QuesMom's Avatar
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    Gail if you need me I'm here...horsen round ranch @yahoo.com without the spaces...
    Karen

    The little voices in my head keep saying..."Get more Chickens!"


    ...The difference between *life* and *living*...When you have someone close, someone special, a *Best Friend*, it's *Living*...When you lose her...it's just *Life*...
    ....Perhaps they are not stars in the sky....But rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy....
    ...FAITH is the bridge between where I AM...and where GOD is taking me...



  9. #9
    Senior Scrapper gailteach's Avatar
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    Thank you all. With your support I will get through this.

    gail
    Hugs to all of you!
    Gail

    So little time, sooo many projects!

    Stop by and see me at my blog:
    www.gailgsgoodies.blogspot.com

  10. #10
    Senior Scrapper gluemore girl's Avatar
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    ((Hugs)) Gail... sending prayers to you and your family. Karen has said it best... Vent whenever you need to... we'll listen.
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