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View Full Version : Do you force them to leave the nest?



judyjay
09-11-2007, 04:29 PM
We've raised our grandson since he was 18mos. & had kids in the house for 40 yrs now. He graduated from a tech college Aug. 17 with an associates degree. I've always said I would never throw him out but he's in no hurry to get a job. I've sent out his resume. I've driven him to interviews(which he doesn't do well). I've looked in the want ads. Now I've told him that he's got to start doing it. It's not my job to find a job for him. Well, he doesn't argue with that but he's still not in any hurry to find a job. We're lucky if he fills out 1 application a day. Should we give him a deadline or something else? He will be 21 next week. Any ideas are apprecitated. and yes, I know, he spoiled.

judyjay
09-11-2007, 06:06 PM
We've told him that he will have to pay us $50 a week but since he doesn't have a job yet, he is not paying anything. We've also told him that we've given him the last money we will give him, no money for gas, movies, or anything. But he still doesn't seem to be in any hurry to find a job.

bitaglitz
09-11-2007, 06:11 PM
Judy,

We had this problem with my youngest son. He never left home until two years ago, at the age of 25. We have always told all our kids that as long as they were in school they could stay rent-free. Upon graduating they either had to pay rent or move. My first two kids moved out right after high school and never came back (except my oldest son did move in with us, last year after his wife left him. But, in a year's time, he had a good job and found he and his son a small apartment.

My younger son still does not 'get' it; the independent thing...although it is beginning to slowly look promising.

With my younger son, we finally gave him a deadline to move. If he was not out by then, we were going to put his clothes on the front lawn. THAT was the hardest thing to know we had to folow through with, if he did not move. Luckily, he got mad at us a 'blew the joint". It has been hard for him, but he has not asked to come back home. He is now almost 28.

Judy

javamom
09-11-2007, 09:32 PM
Judy, you need to rent the movie FAILURE TO LAUNCH, I think you'll find it informative and funny!

thecountryrose
09-11-2007, 11:44 PM
I loved that movie!

Judy, maybe once the money has run out for a short time and there really isn't any money to buy gas for the car or go to the movies, he will get out there and get a job. Not too many young people want to stay home all the time. Sooo, maybe that will do the trick.

Lmbeene
09-12-2007, 04:01 AM
Hey, Judy, I'm coming to YOUR house and I'll do some housework AND pay the $50. Tee hee.

All kidding aside, it's a hard one.

I have one comment to make on it and it's from my own personal experience. My brother didn't want to go so I asked to come back home too since he was living the big life there (really just a joke on my part though). My parents pushed him a little harder to get out after thinking about that. I think it's a confidence thing. I think my brother wasn't sure he could make ends meet. But he did and does very well now. Your gs can too. Your GS could have a job this afternoon if he really needed one. THEN he could find something appropriate for his degree and all.

Oooh, this is tough. Your cooking is really good too so I'm sure that makes leaving even more difficult for him.

Keep us posted.

Laura

laurat99
09-12-2007, 05:40 AM
Judy, it sounds like your GS is in no hurry to leave or get a job, and for everyone's sake, you need to "nudge" him out of the nest. It's not unfair of you and DH to want some time to yourselves after 40 years of raising kids. My brother was the same way, my dad finally had to kick him out. Staying and paying rent/helping isn't going to help much; he doesn't have to be an "adult." Buying your own food, paying your own bills, doing your own laundry, and having to get your bum out of bed even when you don't want to is all part of being an adult. Be firm, but don't do everything for him (except give him the newspaper with the want ads and apartments for rent). Living without the comforts of home might be a good motivator for him. Good luck with this situation, it sounds like a doozy.

judyjay
09-12-2007, 11:20 AM
I took him to the Army recuiter a couple of days ago. It was intended as a sort of motivator to actually look for a job. Well, they made it look really good. If he were to join before Sept 28, he could get a $20,000 sign on bonus. Then, depending on what field he goes into, he could get up to another $20,000. Plus they will pay for any college he wants through a master's degree. Since he has an associate's degree, he could start out as an E3, which pays $1500 a month, plus they give him a place to live, food to eat, etc. Since his degree is in digital media, he could go into almost any type of computer field in the army, which would be non-combat jobs. Well, he says he's thinking about it but I really don't think he's thinking too hard. In the meantime, he's still not doing much job hunting. I don't know, maybe things are different now days. When I was his age, I would go to 10-12 places to apply in the same day. The next day I'd go to another 10-12 places. It wouldn't take me real long to find a job. I feel lucky if I can get him to fill out 1 application a day!! Since he had such a hard start in life, I've always tried to make things a bit easier for him. I suppose that was a big mistake on my part. Well, if he doesn't do something soon, dh & I are going to give him a deadline.

mommaidwf
09-12-2007, 01:45 PM
Judy, only $20,000? My hubby is joining the Army and he was promised a $50,000 bonus, plus an extra 20 if he agreed to ship out within 30 days (which he didn't do btw). Maybe you should get him to go in and take an ASVAB test and then the recruiter would be able to give him more detailed information about the jobs he would qualify for.

jujuann
09-12-2007, 09:45 PM
Judy, there are also other branches of the service that could keep him off the front lines. The Navy has some that go in country, but a lot of them remain on ships at sea or the port. I think the ASVAB test is a good idea. If he does really well, all the branches of the service will be after him. That includes, Navy, Marines, Army, Air Force, Coast Guard, and National Guard. I used to administer those tests.

I gave my son an eviction notice in 2001 and he was out within a month, but he is never out of a job more than 2 or 3 days. He is back now trying to recover from a divorce, paying all the bills and a custody battle. He's been back a year, but he works full time, brings me the money to pay all his bills and his attorney. When he gets her paid off, then he will be able to move out again. He's planning to buy a small house. So, I will probably have him another year, but since he's out of the house mostly all week driving a truck, we can handle it. He does most of the mowing of our 2 acres, and helps do any lifting and shoving of stuff around.

I wish you luck. At first, I thought we would not get my DS out, but eventually we did.

judyjay
09-13-2007, 07:29 AM
We gave him a deadline. Oct. 1. Actually, it's just a deadline to get a job. We told him that after Oct. 1 we are changing our cell phone plan & his phone will not be on it. He will not have any car insurance and I will password protect my computer so he can not use it to go online. Dh & I neither one are at a point where we could tell him that he would have to move out. I did tell him when he gets a job, I will help him save for an apt. He has a friend coming home from Guard training Oct. 15. He wants to share an apt with him.

I saw on his my space where it sounds like he's actually been doing some serious thinking about a job. He's going to a job fair today but only to apply for a job as a computer artist. That's what his degree is in & that's all he wants to apply for even though we've talked to him repeatedly about getting another job until the "perfect" one comes along. He talked to a family friend, who retired from the Army, yesterday. This is a man dh & I both resepct. After talking to him, Chris decided that he really doesn't think the military is for him. His ASVAB score in HS was 62. It's been to long to use that score so he would need to take it again but I've been told that that is a good score.

judyjay
09-26-2007, 07:47 AM
Chris finally got a job. He started his 1st day of work today. It's not the best job in the world & not in his degree field plus I think it's a temp. He can be a hard worker so I think there is a good possibility that it could work into permanent. He still has his resume out & it could be possible that he could come up with a better job in his field but we are happy now with a job! I will help him work up a budget & start saving his money so he can get an apartment soon. His best friend comes back from his Guard training in mid October. They have talked about getting an apartment together so that should be good. I'm just ready for him to get his life as an adult started! Thanks for all your comments and encouragement.

sbartist
09-26-2007, 10:31 PM
Congrats to Chris! And kudos to you for giving him a nudge Judy.

Thanks for keeping us posted.

Lmbeene
09-27-2007, 12:27 PM
...and you've heard that you can get a job if you have a job. Maybe this will lead to something even better. Great news, Judy.

xoxo, Laura

meluv2scrap
09-27-2007, 01:39 PM
Judy stay on him or he will ride the coat tails! I hate to say this, but my mom and dad raised me one way and my brother another way. They constantly tell me now that they wish they would have done him the same as me. When I was 20 (living at home, but working and going to college) my 15 year old brother could do whatever he wanted and I had a 10:30 curfew. I went on to finish college (paid my own way), get a job, get married and have a couple of kids. My brother is 29 and just now in the last year has started to get his act together. He is divorced and his 2 kids and up until a the last 2 years always lived with my parents and had to have them help him with every bill. It was just crazy. Mom would say that he was her baby and he was special and needed her help and now he is 29 and taken everything he can from them w/o a thank you. It is sore subject so I will shut up. I will pray for you and your family.
Kelly

jujuann
10-01-2007, 10:55 PM
Judy, glad Chris has a job. Probably his friend returning and wanting to be with him will be the incentive he needs. It's a start in the right direction. Hope he does well. Once they get used to having their own money, they don't want to be without. Then' he'll be supporting a car and that's a big incentive. You and your DH have given him the right background. He'll fall into it. He'll probably surprise you.