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View Full Version : I don't know if I made the right decision



kray
03-20-2010, 02:19 AM
A few weeks ago, I grounded my SD from the computer for her calling me a name. DH yelled at her, but that is pretty much it.

Well, she is back this weekend....I am kicking myself.....I backed down and gave DH the password to the computer.

I just "gave up" and threw my hands up in the air. She is 14 and very fiesty. She brags at getting her way and lying all the time and getting away with it.

I told him that.....I also told him, I hate to agree with his son, but his son is right.....she is out of control and they are going to have a long road ahead of them (her mom and dad) if they don't do something now.

They don't hold the grounding when they punish her...they will fuss at her, but that is it

I also told him all the nasty things she says on Myspace...ends up on the harddrive and I don't want that on my computer. He didn't want to listen. We were going to a Bunco/dinner party with friends...which was a lot of fun....I ignored him.

When we came home, he went into the office where she was on the computer....I walked in and showed him where she broke the cable a few weeks ago....now, he's mad because I did that in front of her. He told me earlier he didn't know she broke the cable.....out of my anger, I didn't think and showed him in front of her....probably not a smart move on my part.

I told him I didn't want to argue with him and I am tired of no one having my back and he needs to start dealing with things and quit running from it. I told him I have 4 nieces ages 18-24. I know how girls can be....they can be sneaky and he has one.

I also told him he will soon have a parent calling him with her behavior....her threats on Myspace and her texting and her mouth. Then I said...."oh yeah....you and her mom will just blame the other child".

I almost went into the subject of Textgal.....but I stopped myself...not a good time for that....that was how mad I was.

DH usually spouts off and tries to be tough, but in reality, he backs down, except to me....I think I am his conscience.

Sometimes I feel I am the bad guy no matter what I do. And I have four more years of this. And I know that I am one of the millions of stepmoms having to deal with this.


Oh yeah....she is wanting to hang out with an 18 year old girl tomorrow night...go to a movie and dinner. The girl will pick her up. When Sara asked about that, I didn't say anything, but when I was chewing Tony out....I told him he would be stupid to let a 14 year old girl hang out with an 18 year old girl. She is the girl, Textgal will take with her as this girl is tough. She goes to the animal shows. But, I just told him....that is his decision and he will have to live with the consequences. He will likely go to textgal to ask her opinion of Sara hanging out w/ this 18 year old girl.....bad mistake......

On a positive note.....I really did enjoy myself tonight at the couples bunco dinner night. I was able to get to know more gals tonight.....I just didn't talk to Tony.

So, the advice thing.....I know Tony will think what I said. I can't really bring it back up to him because he will get defensive and I said my say. Oh boy, I was so mad.

Part of me just wants to be "quiet" to him tomorrow as I know I will still be mad....I don't hold grudges, but I don't sweep things under the rug.

Also.....I know I need to just let this all go and make him deal with his daughter on his own.....she will get in enough trouble herself.....but, how can I just "disconnect"....that is what I need to do.

I am having my sister on one shoulder, Dee, and my FIL on my other shoulder....like the angel/devil thing...but both of them are the angels....I can so hear them now.....why did you back down????? Not a good thing.

Also.....sometimes it is just easy for me to back down as I know I am not going to win anyway.....just ignore it all......

Sorry for the vent.....

kray
03-20-2010, 03:43 AM
On a side note.....I know there are some great 18 year old girls that can be mentors to some of the younger teenagers, so I don't want to lump all of that with my SD's situation.

For this situation:

This 18 year old girl wll get Sara in trouble......she is not the mentoring kind. I can actually see this girl introducing Sara to older boys and I am not for sure, but I assuming this girl may party.....hence......very bad idea. Tony hesitated about this and I hope he will take what I said and not let her go.

See....this has happened in my family 30 years ago. I was 15 at the time.....my gal cousin was 13. My mom had a rule her daughters could not date until we were 16. I remember my mom telling me my cousin was pregnant....with twins on top of it. She turned 14 when she had her twins. She never finished 8th grade...I have not seen her for over 20 years......I remember when Mom told me this.....as a 15 year old, I didn't understand that.....I hadn't even been kissed by a boy yet. My cousin's mom was warned by her sister (cousin's aunt) that she should not let her daughter go with these older friends. My aunt made the comment, she just wanted her daughter to have a nice time.....well....she sure did. She was a mother at 14.
To make matters worse.....her twins did the same thing. My cousin was a grandma at the age of 28. I was 30 at the time and could not fatham that. It was a vicious circle.

This is what Tony needs to watch out for.....I know he knows I am right on that one....but at the moment, he is in "defense" mode.

gailteach
03-20-2010, 05:35 AM
Karen I am so sorry you SD is such a brat. I would investigate what is on MySpace and then show it to Tony. I am not liking my Step Mom right now but I would never call her something evil. I hate smart mouthed kids of all ages. If it is your computer take it in the morning and keep it away from her.

Cyndi
03-20-2010, 08:02 AM
I'm like Gail, I would be showing him the comments on face book. I would also be changing the password on the computer.
If she wants to use the computer it would be while I was sitting right beside her and watching (I'm mean like that :D).

You can almost feel sorry for her, because it sounds like she is looking for boundary's and mom and dad arn't giving them consistently.

laurat99
03-20-2010, 08:10 AM
Karen, again, I'm sorry Sara is such a selfish brat and Tony is consumed by divorce guilt that he lets her do as she pleases.

It sounds like Tony is taking little stands with her, but not following through. You need to ask yourself what you are going to do. Are you going to complain, or are you going to take action? If you take action, are you willling to follow through with it? How is all this drama affecting your son? It sounds like he is a good kid, but all that drama can't be good for him.

I'm sorry about your cousin and her situation, and it sounds like Sara could follow that same path. Fourteen and 18 are waay to far apart to hang out as friends. Why would an 18-yo want to hang out with a 14 yo anyway?


Take Tony to breakfast and have the discussion away from Sara. Set some limits and stick to them. Sara makes such a fuss to have you throw your hands up, so she gets her way, just like a kid pitching a fit at the grocery store.

I'll keep you in my prayers.

kray
03-20-2010, 08:57 PM
Been there, done that w/ Myspace. Twice now. The first time last summer, Tony got a cold dose of reality and was going to talk to his exwife face to face as he said she will not listen over the phone....too much time passed and they ended up discussing on the phone and she said she was checking Sara's Myspace, which we knew she wasn't. So they both didn't confront Sara about it.

Last month, I asked my 18 year old niece, Megan, if I can go on her page. Well, she told Sara that I did that and she was not supposed to say anything as "I would get in trouble".....Tony told me about that during an argument over Sara. So, I am going to have a little talk w/ my niece, but haven't seen her yet. I have to be careful as she will just go back to Sara and it will cause more problems.

Bottom line....Tony needs to step up to the plate and be the "FATHER"! Quit trying to be the good guy and letting his kids manipulate/lie about situations. They have made him feel guilty as well as his exwife.

I know that I am a quiet person compared to them being loud....but behaving, respect is all the same. Just respect my home.....they don't have to like me, but respect my home.

As for me....I am a problem solver. If a situation doesn't work like we want, then lets find out why and fix it or change it. Tony gets frustrated.

Also, I need to take control over my own emotions and not give them all the power.
That is what I am working on.

I am chuckling to myself......I am on the computer....Sara is sitting on the couch where I always sit. She is never in the living room.....I have a feeling her brother told her to go and sit there...he used to do this past year and he was 20. So, eventually, I will go sit on the couch....not say anything, it will irritate her....but, she will just get up and get on the computer.....well....I am about to "clean" the computer so it will be out of use at the moment.

Oh yeah, I spoke to my FIL today. He was telling me not to back down....he understood why I did....he said since that didn't work......for me to 100% make Tony deal w/ his daughter. Act like she is invisible, don't do anything for her. He even teased me into turning the TV up loud when she walks in the room. He lives 2000 miles away and he even says that Tony and I are happy until the kids come around.

He's visiting in May.....that will be an interesting visit. He will make his rounds to his three adult kids and tell them to all step up to the plate regarding the kids. He never put up w/ that type of behavior and they need to do the same thing. Love the guy!

As for my son, he doesn't live with me. He is turning 21. I don't tell him anything because I feel he doesn't need to be involved. I also don't discuss my son w/ his kids. It's none of their business. When my stepson was 17, he was rebelling and badmouthing me. His buddy's brother was friends w/ my adult nephew.....so, my nephew heard about it and he pretty much flat out told my stepson to knock it off or he will deal with him. My nephew is peaceful young man, but he is protective of me. Also, he is twice the size of my stepson, so that scared my stepson there for awhile. My nephew would not have done anything physical as he was an adult and he doesn't believe in that....but he handled the situation like young guys would.

Just trying to not be so sensitive.....working on that.

QuesMom
03-20-2010, 10:30 PM
I agree with Gail and Cyndi...Start showing Tony what she says and does...The old
*actions speak louder than words* right down to recording her! I had a Foster Daughter that was a pill and a half and I had to deal with her Grandparents...I kept a small recorder and when she started to mouth off, I pushed the button, waited a minuted and then put it up and said, go for it! It made her back down every time and it is how we resolved a lot of issues and halted the screaming and name calling...

And on this note...The use of the computer in this house is a privilege you earn, not a right you have...regardless of your age...

kray
03-21-2010, 02:28 AM
Well....I had an improvement tonight.....Sara got chewed out by me. I ignored her all day...her bad attitude, dirty looks, texting every move I make, etc.

She sat on the couch where I typically sit....but I didn't say anything. But when I sat down on the couch, she asked Tony if he was ready to go outside and check on the pigs. I told him he needs to wait as I am about to fix dinner and it will take 30 minutes. I got up for the other end of the couch and told Sara to come on, she is making the salad.....this is always her chore for dinner. She ignored me. I said it a second time w/ a much sterner voice and she still ignored me, then Tony told her to get up and make the salad. She came into the kitchen and stood next to me at the sink....the way she turned on the water w/ her hand was definitely "attitude"....I actually saw a vision of her mom there as she looks just like her mom and her mom has that same attitude.

I had already decided that Tony is dealing with her, but when she did that, I told her to knock it off and she yelled at me that she was doing nothing and have not said one word to me.

I essentially told her that sometimes that silence is worse than words...due to her body language, her dirty looks, her texting about me all day and also what she writes on the computer.....she couldn't argue about the texting, because if I challenged her on that one and made her show it to us to prove otherwise, she would have lost.

I then told her that because others may allow her to misbehave like this, but in my home, I will not tolerate this misbehavior and keep it up....I will "officially" take the computer away. The entire time, Tony was sitting right there. She smarted off and said she didn't care....so, I told her the computer was off limits to her.

I changed the password again. My DH went outside w/ her after dinner to check on the animals, when he came back in, he made sure he gave me an extra hug.....so, I know he is not going to override me on this.

We are back to non-speaking again....but this time, she knows she didn't win.

I was backing off, but after awhile, those body gestures gets tiring and sometimes it will just slip out.

So, I took control of the situation at the time and Tony allowed me to do it. I was sure he was mad at me, but he wasn't. So, the issue was taken care of and I will not bring it back up again. This is what Tony needs to do.....so, I hope he will start standing up to his daughter now.

I also think he really thought about what I said this weekend......he better get a grip on her now, or he is going to have a lot of problems with her.

Also, she didn't go out w/ the 18 year old. I didn't ask, so I don't know if Tony told her no or if she just didn't go out as the 18 year old had other plans. He knows this girl is too old.

So......emotional roller coaster w/ stepkids.

Still my goal is to control my emotions and not give this little girl the power.

But I tell ya...she is a spitting image of her mom in the looks and body shape. Also has the same mannerisms as her mom. And her older brother does the attitude as well.

Thanks for all the advice....I just needed to vent again. We will get through this. We just need something that will work and Tony stand up to his kids.

mommaidwf
03-21-2010, 06:02 PM
Sara is definitely in need of some rules and boundaries. Since the computer is not hers and she uses it to post inappropriate things on her myspace page, I would forbid her from using it period. I think Tony needs to take that phone away from her too if all she's going to do is text bad things about you to her friends. He has got to make a stand that her behavior and attitude will not be tolerated. I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Things have to get better soon!

jujuann
03-22-2010, 01:09 AM
Kray, since I've been there, I'm also praying for you to get some relief. My best advice is to stand your ground and don't give an inch. She needs to learn that you are in YOUR home and Tony needs to learn that too. It will be hard and the looks will continue, but eventually she will listen even if her attitude doesn't change.

kray
03-22-2010, 01:30 AM
My frustration is over....for this round.....lol.

Sara pouted all day today and stayed in her room, so that gave me a sign that Tony did not back down last night or today when she tried to wiggle her way out of her chewing out last night. If she was successful, she would have been dancing everywhere.

I most definitely believe Sara needs boundaries and rules. It is funny that both sides of the family has said she always was fiesty (Tony's side and her mom's side). She never minded anyone.....her parents always thought her actions and smiles were "cute".....well....they created a monster.

I forgot to address the "recording" thing on the prior post....I have already thought of that...on Sara and her brother.....but, that would backfire, because I can see them try that with me and it be taken out of context. Also, it should be no surprise to her parents anyway as she back talks them.

The good thing is I didn't put a time limit on the grounding of "MY" computer. So, attitude stays the same, the grounding still stands. At one time, she was not allowed on the computer unless we had her Myspace password...that was before where she didn't have more to hide......that will be a condition to the computer if/when she gets the priviledge. She can give it to her Dad. I will show Tony how to look at it....

As for the phone.....I 100% agree it should be taken away. I have told Tony before that he should check her texts...take her phone when she is least expecting it. Before she gets a chance to delete. He needs to get caught up w/ the technology, or at least be aware what kids are doing.

Being 14, I expect attitude anyway......but, she goes beyond far. There will be a day soon she will "need" me.

Oh, another thing I know Tony is backing me on the computer thing was that when I was getting ready for church, I heard him tell Sara to get me. He was in the office w/ his buddy and they needed to get on the computer. But, I was already walking down the hall. I knew what he wanted as he was in the computer room. I just walked over and unlocked the computer. He needed my help looking up things anyway.

Personally, I think he knew he flubbed up when he made me give him the password Friday and I told him that he needs to face reality, grow a backbone and deal w/ his daughter, otherwise he will be dealing w/ the repercussions later. She will likely get in trouble anyway....but if he can stop some of it....he needs to. Also, he needs to make his ex get a back bone and stick with it too. She is worse than him.

Thanks for letting me vent this weekend. Weekend started bad and ended great!

tlc3plus
03-22-2010, 11:20 AM
I've been so praying for you and your situation. I have not dealt with this type personally but I've dealt with teenagers! lol My sister had mine, yours, and ours. But they each tried to consider yours mine and mine yours.... but when the kids wanted something and they wouldn't give in a couple moved into the other parents house. Eventually they realized that they were always there for them and that they were only doing what was best for them.

I only have a couple of things to comment on and it really doesn't matter what I think! lol lol

But if she is as bad as you say I would make Tony and her understand that if her actions cause her problems that she will have to pay for it her self... because eventually it will become a monetary problem... with lawyers, or jail... If you have it established now both will know and you can stick by it. I say this because we had to call the police on ds and had him arrested... he had to pay for everything. But he's wonderful now.... it will work out. Remember that! lol

Also I know you want Tony to stand up to her...but I would like to say that people all have different make up's and it's good other wise the world be a terrible place with us all being the same. I have learned from experience that we can't make the men do and handle things the way we want... I can see that your relationship is a lot like ours...I was the one that saw everything black or white and my dh is a gray type of person... So you and Tony need to sit down and discuss if this happens... than this is the punishment for Sarah... if he doesn't want to tell her, you will, but he needs to enforce it. Write it down and have both of you sign it. It will make it real like a contract. Which sounds like what happened this weekend. I think both of you knowing what the rules and boundaries are will help you handle it cool and calm. I know you don't want to be the bad one but if you feel so strongly about things (I know I did! lol) than I had to enforce them and he backed me up. As he sees that this is working he will stand up for the rules. But it will have to be his way because of his personality.

Remember why you fell in love and married Tony... the years are going by too fast and this too will pass with Sarah. Make your time spent with Tony special so he can see YOU not how you are because of Sarah.

Just my two cents worth ... you can leave it. lol

Clarinda

kray
03-23-2010, 01:49 AM
Clarinda, I treasure everyone's advice.....I am actually chuckling at myself....I am good at giving advice and it making sense, but when it is actually happening to me.....it is hard to take my own advice....which my own advice has been similar to y'all's advice.......I recognize that I need to hear it from third parties to confirm I am not crazy (lol) and not the only one that has been in these situations. Or there is something else I didn't think of or can try.

As for the black/white thing.....that is Tony. I am more the gray type of person. I am the problem solver and let's work things out. If one possible solution doesn't work, then let's try another. Tony doesn't like confrontation and right now he is a bit defensive. There has been a few other issues we have been dealing with.

I am learning with him when there is an issue we are dealing with.....I need to say my say right then and there and try not to argue with him. The more I argue, the more defensive he gets. Ya think I would know that after six years of knowing him.

So, I am trying to get my say in and walk away and try not to argue. When he shuts down, it irritates me and I would want to continue to argue.....so, I am trying this new tactic...get my point across and stop talking.

And I know that he is not perfect and I have made mistakes as well. Also, we both have different styles of parenting. We can be different....we both can be right or wrong, but we are different.

Right now, he is just not dealing with anything.

And Clarinda....you are right...if he doesn't get his daughter under control, if he thinks he is having problems now...it will just get worse. I told him the other day, he had issues w/ his two sons and would have thought he would have learned something by now. Sara has a mixture of both of her brothers personalities and that can be double trouble. I am trying to just back away regarding Sara. If it doesn't pertain to me and my home, then he and his ex needs to deal with her.

I was talking to a girlfriend over a month ago...I was griping and complaining...I stopped and told myself to think of the positive things about Tony. Just don't concentrate on the negatives.

Do you know what is really sad, I had a 3 year old ask me today why I don't like her mommy. Sara told her I didn't like her mommy. I wanted to wring a 14 year old's neck at that moment. I smoothed things over and told her that she has a very nice mommy and I like her. This was the textgal. Sara is friends w/ her older daughter.

And this is one of the reasons why I tell Tony he needs to keep his mouth shut when it comes to our arguments.....perfect example.

JKondrick
03-23-2010, 03:13 AM
okay. sooo. I feel the need to chime in here. im 21 years old, and can personally tell you that i put my mother through HELL in my teen years. So, Have you thought about setting up a reward system? Try talking to her one on one and explaining to her what upsets you and how her behavior affects you and the way it makes her looks to others by bad mouthing the ones who love and care for her?

If i understand correctly she isn't with you an the hubby 24/7, like its split with the time you have with her. so this would cause her to have the freedom at her mothers house to do what ever she wants when shes there. an it the split time between the parents isn't mandatory, i'm going to assume she'd rather stay there where she isn't going to have to follow the rules of 'dads house'.

i'm not sure this made any sense. its almost 3:30 AM and im tired. i'll check back in the morning when i wake up to see if this made any sense to you. lol

keep your chin up. it'll get better in time.

<3 Jessie

kray
03-23-2010, 05:10 PM
Thanks Jessie......Yes, teenage years are very difficult. That is why I call teenagers "aliens". Sara is a typical 14 year old, but with no discipline, boundaries, etc.

So, she keeps getting bolder and bolder in what she does.

We have her on the weekends and holidays...that is the court paper way, but Tony and his ex are lenient on that as they have been good about it with the kids.

Problem these two have is there is no discipline. The ex is worse. They need to be consistent with the discipline, but they are not and Sara brags about getting away with things. They also allow her to yell back at them.....which they should have stopped.

Stepdad is having the same issues, but it's worse for him as he is with the kids more than I am. 20 yr old stepson lives with them full time....that kid is arrogant and superior acting........Their mom never stands up for her husband.....always for her kids. They could be yelling at their mom and Stepdad will step in and tell them that this is their mother and they should respect her and stop yelling at her....she turns on Stepdad and backs her kids.....she will use the phrase "you don't like my kids". So, he really can't win. But, he backs down too much.

Sara will come back to me.....she always does. We had great conversations and times together. In fact, there are times I know what is going on with her more than her than her own parents does. As for the reward system.....been there done that with her. Doesn't work, she just expects more.

I am optimistic it will get better. I am trying new techniques/ways in handling Tony and my stepkids. At least I don't have to deal w/ the two boys. They are adults. Sara is only 14 and has a way to go and I have told Tony he is going to need "my support and strength" soon as Sara will have him on a roller coaster ride for the next few years.