View Full Version : How do you parent your parent?

01-03-2010, 04:14 PM
My father is 83 and has dementia. He is currently living with us. He treats my son horribly and DS can't just ignore him. (Autistic) He is getting to be toooo much for us to handle and yet it kills me to put him in a home. The worst part is he is angry at everyone. I have been called a warden, gustapo, jailer, bitch and many other things. I am so sad that he is declining so fast. His wife won't or doesn't want to take care of him and recently she had two surgeries that make it impossible for her to take care of him. I guess I just need to vent.


01-03-2010, 04:35 PM
So sorry. I don't have advice but I'm sure I'll be in this situation some day. Does his doctor recommend anything? This doesn't seem like a good environment for anyone involved.

01-03-2010, 04:37 PM
Thanks Lulu. It isn't. The hardest part is he is so angry. Because he is angry at his situation he takes it out on everyone.


01-03-2010, 04:47 PM
I wish I had some practical advice for you, but I don't. I'll pray for you and your situation, my friend, that you will make the decision that will honor your dad while taking care of your family. Are there any other siblings to talk with to share the burden of care? The decision to place someone in a nursing home is always difficult, but if you are unable to care for him or he is a danger to himself or others, that might be the best for all involved. Take care and you are always welcome to vent to us. This is a safe place for you.

01-03-2010, 04:53 PM
I understand this all too well Gail and I am so very sorry you have to go through this...

First...you have to remember this is not your Dad talking, it is the stranger that has taken him...He would never talk to you or your family this way...It is impossible to make you Son understand this is not Grandpa, and you have to think of your family and their well being first! That includes you too!

Second, you have to seperate yourself from him, you are not his child, you are a health care provider taking care of an unkind person, you can not take it personal...Inside, he does not know who is any longer either...

Third, you need to get in-home health care through his SS to come in and help you and you need to have your time away from his care...

With your special needs child, it is even more critical to have help and to be prepared to let go if it becomes too much to handle...

It took the doctor 3 months of talking to me to make me understand, I am doing them no favor killing myself trying to care for them, they do not know...It gives them no security to be home with you, because they do no remember who or where they are...And then he told me, that strangers can calm them more than we can because they feel our stress and worry...

When we put my Grandfather into a care home, I went to work there so I could spend more time helping him...He thought I was a nurse they paid and treated me as such...But my days off, when I would come to visit, sometimes he would remember it was me and we had good moments...When the cancer spread to my Dad's brain, he no longer knew who he was or who I was, but I hung in there because I knew he was dying and time was too short...I suffered from that for 2 years after because most of the good memories had been taken over by the anger and trials of trying to cope with it alone...

So when you know the time has come...you need to let go...that way you can go visit and enjoy the moments that remain...

And here Dear Friend...you are not venting...you are leaning on the shoulders of wise women and close friends who care about you and your troubles, big ones or small ones...we are here...

01-03-2010, 05:10 PM
Dearest Karen,
Your words were just what I needed. When my mom got Alzheimer's she slipped away from us gently. She was always kind and loving. When it happened to my baby sister it was the same thing. My brother is gentle and loving and grateful for everything you do for him, but Dad is just so bitter and angry. Part of my problem is that I am not sleeping. My husband is struggling with his health issues and trying to help. He just doesn't understand that dad doesn't know what he is doing. I was just thinking the other day that I needed to let dad go because I am starting to resent him for the damage he is causing to my family.
He and step-mom left California in 1990 to live their lives in NC without a thought to how it affected the rest of us and the grandchildren. Now I am agonizing over taking care of him and forgetting the pain that I suffered because of him. Hmmmm??? I guess I have my answer. Now to make it happen. They don't have the money for a nursing home and Medi-Cal declined him the first time she applied. If we coulkd just get a little break it would help. We went to my brother's up near Paso Robles for Christmas and they took over much of the care for dad while we were there. But there is no one around here to help except my DH, DS, and myself. Step had two surgeries in Dec. and is living with her daughter so she has someone to take care of her. What a mess.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your words. I needed to hear it from someone else.


01-03-2010, 05:16 PM
Gail, I have no words of wisdom for you, but I will keep your family in my prayers.

01-03-2010, 05:18 PM
Gail if you need me I'm here...horsen round ranch @yahoo.com without the spaces...

01-03-2010, 05:41 PM
Thank you all. With your support I will get through this.


gluemore girl
01-03-2010, 05:47 PM
((Hugs)) Gail... sending prayers to you and your family. Karen has said it best... Vent whenever you need to... we'll listen.

01-03-2010, 06:39 PM
Karen - such wise and true words for those we love at a time when Gail needs understanding and strength to see her through the rough times. Gail your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

01-03-2010, 08:19 PM
Gail, my neighbor also has the problem, but it is her DH. The Dr told her that dementia is different from Alzheimers. People with dementia get mean. Her DH is there too, but not as far as you said your Dad is. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers as you work through your decisions. Medi-Cal will probably look at it differently if you are putting him in a home. But they may ask that any property be liquidated. I think it makes a difference if he and his spouse are in separate residences. I used to have to deal with a lot of this when I worked for Social Security. If you want to PM me I'll give you more of what I remember.

01-03-2010, 10:42 PM
Prayers for you and your family. Yep I was going to say the meanness is a stage... sorry. So glad you have come to a answer. Remember the good times!!!


01-05-2010, 05:52 PM
Gail - I am sorry for what you are going through. My best friend is going through this with her grandmother right now. I think that they have found a place in a local nursing home but she has to behave to remain there.

Karen - I hope you don't mind but I would love to share your words with my friends family. They are having a very difficult time with the decision to place her in a home. They have watched this frail little woman become very mean.

I will keep both of you in my prayers.

01-05-2010, 07:03 PM
Gail, I've got you in my thoughts and so thankful for the wise women this board has brought together. Life can be hard and it's wonderful to be able to share our stories, get suggestions & information, along with long distance hugs from caring friends.

01-05-2010, 11:38 PM
Once again your kind words and loving hearts have touched me deeply.

01-06-2010, 09:02 AM
How are you doing Gail?

We are here all the time...In my prayers and thoughts...

01-06-2010, 07:47 PM
Thanks Karen,

I got some more sleep last night. Just looking for a nursing home that will take him because they don't have any money and he wanders.

01-14-2010, 08:15 PM
I spent my entire 20's caring for MY GRANDMOTHER becasue no one else would. I know everything you said. I even have a child with AU... My grandmother had a stroke lost left side of her body.... and she was just so angry and just lashed out on me all of the time. It will take me years to recover from the verbal abuse. I finally put her in a retirement communty and felt so bad. But now we have such a great relationship....I love how she is so happy to talk to me. We talk daily by phone and I visit often.....She has regained all of her mobility & independance. and I LOVE that she got the theraphy she need. My son just SORED in his development...AND I finally moved in with my boyfriend and got married and began my life at 30....

I took her to lunch the other day and she was a pill to the lady....I was thinking the other day....What she was usto with customer service just doesn't exsist now. That was our conversation. And I totally saw her point...I can't stress how great she is doing...She has even lost weight....she was overweight and it was giving her some problems with her health. She also complains about the staff all of the time...doesn't mean they are mistreating her....they just lived in a diffrent time...she is 79

I have no advice....but I have been there. What is best for me maybe diffrent for others.

01-15-2010, 02:21 AM
Thanks Staysea!! I just saw him this evening and he didn't want me to leave. On Tuesday he said, "Get out and don't keep going" It hurts but then today he apologized.

Penster (pjwlee)
01-15-2010, 01:42 PM
I understand we are going thru something similar with my Mom.
Her mind is ok but she is basiclly paralyzed from waist down and limited use of hands. we had no choice but to put her in care center. With only 2 of us to take care of her and small quarters there just was not a good way to do what was best for her. If it was just care but we needed so much equipment to help take care of her, oxygen, lift, hosp bed etc.. We keep in touch by phone and visit 1-2 times a week.

With out outside help and you can't do it alone-- and you put you and your family in such a bad place, you will know when its right to make the choice and then you can visit and have better memories with no other feelings getting in the way.

While the care center is not our 1st choice you have to do what is best for them and yourself.
Take care remember there are others out there going thru this , reach out they understand. It help to talk to others.
God bless